The Toilet Time Mystery

Bruv spends a lot of his life in the toilet. I’m talking like an hour at a time. And when I say toilet, I mean just a toilet, not a bathroom with a sink and shower. The toilet’s in it’s own separate room.

He always takes his iPhone and blasts music (usually Usher)… afterall, he is an aspiring singer. And that’s where he stays for at least the next half hour, but usually it’s closer to twice that long.

It’s to the point where I frantically stop him when I see he’s headed toward the toilet just so I can try to squeeze something out before he takes over for the rest of the afternoon. Never before has having such a small bladder been such a big problem.

One day I walked into the toilet after him only to notice that an entire roll of toilet paper had disappeared! I found this noteworthy because I had replaced the roll mere hours before. I had to pee, but decided to flush the toilet before I went as I could still see bits of toilet roll (and God knows what else) hovering above the drain pipe.

The toilet bowl nearly overflowed and I was calling for Bruv (who was obviously ignoring me in his room) to come sort it out. He swiftly came to my aid by using the toilet brush to shove the white mass down the pipe thus preventing the overflow. It’s like he knew this job wasn’t big enough for the plunger that was sitting right there. Impressive. He’d clearly done this before…

The toilet roll disappearing act reoccurred at least three times in the next two days.

I am equal parts appalled and amazed. I find myself holding it for as long as possible before I disturb him by knocking on the door and announcing that I’ve gotta go. I have actually contemplated peeing in the back garden in lieu of disturbing his bizarre ritual.

I’ve often wondered what Bruv is actually doing in there. I think maybe he’s constipated? Maybe it’s just nerves? Maybe it’s the only place he can find privacy? Furthermore, I ponder when this behavior first started. And more importantly, why in 24 years has nobody stopped it?

Last night Me and The One were sitting at the dinner table when the following exchange occurred:

"Princess actually had the nerve to question me whether he took his laptop into the toilet with him," Mum hissed to Me and The One.

"Really," The One asked in disbelief.

"She’s already blocked the porn from his computer," she snickered.

This was not the first time I’ve heard about this and must admit I thought it was a little extreme. That is until Mum said, “Well, he used to be addicted to porn you know.”

The One looked at me and nodded as if to say, ‘It’s true’.

How interesting, I think to myself. Interesting that nobody ever thought it relevant to mention this little tidbit any of the other times they talked about Princess’ extreme aversion to Bruv looking at porn. Furthermore, how interesting that Bruv’s porn viewing habits would be discussed so casually over dinner.

Welcome to my life.

Well, he used to be addicted to porn you know.


I’m an American girl engaged to an English guy I met while living in Australia. I now live with my soon-to-be-husband’s family in the UK before we go traveling again. This is my experience as the stranger at the kitchen table. I hope you enjoy.